Back from El Rancho...

Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta...she was wonderful. Always serving, always gracious, always praising God for the many blessings that were given to her and the work God called her to. Over the past few years, I've read bits and pieces of some of her writings. I've got a handful of books by & about her...but let's face it...I'm not a reader. One of the books I own and have come to cherish is "Come Be My Light". It is full of her writings to her confessor about the desolation she was feeling. I haven't been able to pick that book up in a few weeks (mainly because I have another hundred books to read for formation...again...not a reader).


Recently, I started to feel a sense of dryness...almost desert-like. Feelings like that were enough to conquer on their own. But then I began having these amorous waves of doubt. Totally robbed of joy, totally in fear, and totally questioning if I was in God's will or if I'd made a grave mistake. My prayers felt empty. Singing was in vain. My laughter was forced and all I could hear was that all of this was a joke.. everything I'm doing was stupid. I felt ugly...horribly ugly. I was allowing myself to be defeated and I tried to take control of my life but was only handing it over little by little to the enemy. I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and lay in the chapel forever. But that couldn't happen. There was work to do.


About a week into feeling like a zombie, we left for our mission trip to Mexico. I kept thinking, how in the world can I give to these poor people if I myself have nothing to give. Sure I could hand over 500 pesos and make someones day, but that would that really be enough. No. I began to remember something that Mother Teresa said ( well.. this is along the lines of what she said anyway). She said something to the effect of God calling her to serve the poorest of the poor, to love the unlovely and give dignity to the dying person. What had begun to stick out for me was "to love the unlovely". The first day of "work" while in Gral. Cepeda, I met a man who was on an oxygen tank, barely breathing, two women, one of which was blind and missing a mouth full of teeth, the other legless, and a man on his death bed. To the world, these four people may be people that most would turn their faces from...the "unlovely". But as I sat in their presence...I saw the most beautiful face of Christ in them. In their physical and financial brokenness...they were the richest people in the world. So full of hope, full of joy...full of not only believing in the Lord...but full of knowledge in knowing the Lord is glorious. Knowing His love. Wow... being in their presence.. I realized that they were ministering to me. I was unlovely. Ugly was in my heart. And they loved me. They showed me God's love. How precious are the people God allowed me to meet and serve during this mission trip!


After a days of being with and learning from the people of Mexico.. I had a real desert experience. The feelings I had felt before were brought to the forefront to be dealt with. We went hiking down a trail full of huge slanted rocks, water, mud, thorns and sand...etc. Before the blink of an eye... I slipped and fell into the water (which was NOT a good thing.. no details). I was pretty humbled... then began to cry. Just a little. I started to feel like, great, not only do I feel like I'm in the darkness...but that I was also alone..and hurting. Once we got to our oasis...literally..there was a mini waterfall and lake.. we got the chance to be alone to pray for a few hours. I was praying and Job 23 kept coming to mind. So finally.. I read and WoW...this is what God was speaking to me...

" If I go forward, he is not there;
or backward, I cannot perceive him;
on the left he hides;
and I cannot behold him;
I turn to the right, but i cannot see him.
But he knows the way I take;
when he tests me, I shall come out like gold.
My foot has held fast to his steps;
I have kept his way and have not turned aside.
I have not departed from the commandment of his lips;
I have treasured in my bosom the words of his mouth.
but he stands alone and who can dissuade him?
what he desires,that he does.
For he will complete what he appoints for me;
and many such things are in his mind."

I just balled my eyes out. I was rushed with peace. I knew at that very moment (as many times before) that God was with me. No matter how I felt. It's not about feelings. But God reminded me that he has much in store.. not only for me.. but for everyone. But before He can give us these many blessings, we've gotta go thru the fire and be tested. Mexico was a test for me. I didn't want to go initially. But so what! God had a plan there. I met the most beautiful people ever. It was life changing for me. It was a test. To see if I'd be obedient to God's call in my life. And thank the Lord.. He gave me the grace to say "yes".

I will write more about the signs and wonders God did in Mexico. It's just that this other stuff has been on my heart. Thank you for reading this and allowing me to share my heart with you. God bless you!


p.s. this picture represents the people of General Cepeda.
Simple yet remarkably beautiful.









*p.p.s. just wanted to say... the last blog with pictures is hilarious! shows you how lame I am when it comes to attempting adding pictures and words all in one space. lol*

visual update

Hello all! I realized I haven't put up any pictures yet... I hope this helps you feel connected with what I'm doing out here.

The beautiful missionary face's of Life Teen, Mesa! This was taken at Watson Lake in Prescott. Who knew that rocks and water could be SO breathtaking?!

(from left to right - me, Kat, Lara *the Brit*, Adam *Brownie*

Ryan M *Spinner* and Ryan B *Brehm*)

Ran into some kids from St. Mary's at LA Inspiration... goodtimes

And here's the our beautiful home.. we dedicated to St. Terese of the Little Flower

This is our side yard...looking up! This beautiful one greets me when I come home

our *missionary* tub, our community dining room, and our lovely kitchen

...more to come

In the Presence

There's been a recurring theme over the past few days. While in prayer, I've been feeling like God is comforting me...like covering and protecting me. Then yesterday, a friend reminded me of one of the reasons I was called to be in this missionary program..."to dwell in His presence, to abide in the shelter of the Most High God." To dwell. To abide. Then yesterday's night prayer included Psalm 91 which starts out as, " He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, who abides in the shadow of the Almighty..." Then, when you think I've got the point, this mornings prayer began with Psalm 84 which says, "How lovely is your dwelling place, Lord, God of Hosts." As you can tell, if you've read any of my other blogs, I really believe that God speaks to me in scripture...all the time. So what's the importance of dwelling and abiding? I'm already here. I'm out of my comfort zone (home), and I've been in prayer. Morning, noon, afternoon, and night. So what more do I need to do to dwell and abide? WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT OF ME LORD?!?!?

Then I realize... I still haven't let it all go and haven't entered in the way I know God's called me to. I've been in prayer, but still not surrendered everything. I've been holding on to things that I used to have control over, back at home, or rather, I would control. Now being out here, I have to let these things go. Not only let them go, but give them to God and just "be" with the Him.

I just came out of adoration and was able to just sit there and be in His presence. I was able to abide in the shelter and dwell in His house.

*Next ... learn how to take the abide and dwelling outside of the chapel or my structured prayer time! Because to truly dwell and abide in Him is to do so at ALL times.

Song of the Day:

Let Go

by Dewayne Woods

I couldn't seem to fall asleep

There was so much on my mind

Searching for that peace

But the peace I could not find

So then I knealed down to pray

Praying help me please

Then He said you don't have to cry

Cause I'll supply all your needs

As soon as I stop worrying

Worrying how the story ends

I let go and I let God

Let God have His way

That's when things start happening

When I stop looking at back then

I let go and I'll let God

Let God have His way

There so much going on

Sometimes I can't find my way

And often times I struggle

Struggle from day to day

I have to realize that it's not my battle

It's not my battle to fight

I have to know if I to put it in His hands

That everything will be alright

As soon as I stop worrying

Worrying how the story ends

I let go and I let God

Let God have His way

That's when things start happenin

When I stop lookin at back then

I let go and I let God

Let God have His way

Me and Politics

I'll just be honest, I barely passed government and economics in high school. Maybe I should've listened more. This election will be the 3rd presidential election that I get the opportunity to vote. I think back to my previous voting and how exactly I came to the conclusion I did. I used to vote according to how my closest friends voted. Eight years later, I still don't get politics. Every time I've tried to understand, I find myself tuning out and thinking of other things, like, what song I last heard, what movie I really wanna see, what's for dinner...etc.

Over the past couple of days, I've tried to figure out why I've been avoiding politics. I've asked a lot of questions, read a lot of information, watched a lot of the debates and watched Tina Fey, hoping that I could somehow absorb enough information to make a very educated decision. Unfortunetly, I still can't stand politics. And it's not just the whole presidental thing, but all the props too. I'm frustrated with how things are played out. Maybe that doesn't make any sense.. but this is my blog and I feel like I've gotta vent just a little.

So here is where I stand and why. I vote for life. All it's forms and what God has created in order for that to be. Life is so precious. It's an undeserved gift that our heavenly Father gave us. Who are we to take into our own hands what God has intended to be His? To take our own lives, someone else's life, and stop life from being created is selfish. Selfish is the opposite of love, which is selfless. God is LOVE. We know this because of the most selfless act in sacrificing His Son in order to show us His endless and glorious love and mercy. I'm not gonna go into a whole lotta detail...but know this, I love the Lord. I may have made some mistakes in the past, but one things for sure... in knowing just how precious life is and that everyone was created for a purpose, I know my life is not my own. Neither is anyone elses. We were made by God, for God. My vote is purely based on God's call for us to love.

Birthday

Today was more than I imagined it to be. Being away from home has been fun. But I must admit, I started feeling just a tad homesick when I realized that I wouldn't have any of my family or friends around for my birthday (excluding Tricia). When I hit my alarm clock for the 5th time this morning, this weird sense of loneliness held me to my bed. For a second I thought staying home and being in bed would be better than getting up and facing the fact that I'm surrounded by strangers. The only reason I actually got out of bed was knowing that today was our first day to start Liturgy of the Hours. Some people may think that's strange, but I've been looking forward to community prayer time. Praise God for Liturgy of the Hours! I believe it started my day of in a beautiful way. Thanking God for my life and His plans for it.



I learned throughout the day that I am not surrounded by strangers, but by people who were strategically placed in my life. And all of us (missionaries, Life Teen staff, St. Tim's and other wonderful people) have these special purposes in life. At this time, right now, right here, we were supposed to be right were we are. Many of my friends and family really don't understand why I'm out here. To be honest, I don't even know fully. God has reassured me over and over that I don't need to fully know just yet.

one day more..

"Tomorrow we'll discover

What our God in Heaven has in store!

One more dawn

One more day

One day more!

-from Les Miserables

When I wrote the title for this blog... I began to sing the song from Les Mis. The funny part of that was all I knew was..."One day more!" So I looked it up to see what it really said and that was what I got. Amazing! It's so perfect to what I was going to write.

Tomorrow I leave for Mesa, Arizona to live for a year as a Life Teen Missionary. Some people reading this blog may be thinking, "What the heck is that?" To explain a little, because honestly, that's about as much as I know, I'll be living in community with five other young adults as we serve Life Teen International. We will be working at the headquarters, serving at St. Tim's, going on mission trips, and living a life of prayer. We will become "totally concecrated and separated unto the Lord", as Dr. Michelle Corral would say.

Now, if you thought that was the exciting part, you have no idea! Yesterday morning, I woke up with some anxiety about packing..then thinking that maybe I made a haste decision and I shouldn't move and be a part of this program. I ended up checking my email and there was only the daily devotional that I subscribe to. This is what it said:

“Terah took his son Abram, his grandson Lot of Haran,

and his daughter-in-law Sarai, the wife of his son Abram,

and together they set out from Ur of the Chaldeans to go to Canaan.

But when they came to Haran, they settled there.

Terah lived 205 years, and he died in Haran.

The Lord had said to Abram,

‘Leave your country, your people and your father’s household

and go to the land I will show you.

I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you;

I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing’”

—Genesis 11:31

All I could think was... GOD IS SO GOOD! This is what makes all of this so exciting for me. God has got this plan and even though I'm not fully aware of it all, I know that His plan is for good. It's funny, because if you continue to read the story of about Abram, you'll see that the land that God calls Abram to is Canaan. Canaan was not some beautiful place with succulence and richness, but was a land of severe famine. What in the world was God putting this guy thru? Abram was faithful, moved when God said move and stop when He said stop. He knew that God would take care of him. Abram acted on extreme faith. That's why he's referred to as the Patron Father of Faith. That was just the beginning of the many tests.

That was the beginning of many blessings.

I know that God has many tests and blessings planned to come my way. I just pray that I'm faithful to God's call. So pray for me. It's not easy to leave family, friends, ministry and the comfort of home. But when I pray, I have peace and I know that I know that I know.. that I'm in God's hands and He will keep me and provide for my every need.

Last weekend, I was at a service that a 16 yr old preachers daughter spoke at. She said, "You have to have complete faith! If you doubt God, you kick Him out." Bold words from a 16 yr old preaching to a bunch of adults up to 5 or 6 times her age. But it was the truth.

Well, I'm signing off now. Time to have breakfast. Yum!