Back from El Rancho...

Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta...she was wonderful. Always serving, always gracious, always praising God for the many blessings that were given to her and the work God called her to. Over the past few years, I've read bits and pieces of some of her writings. I've got a handful of books by & about her...but let's face it...I'm not a reader. One of the books I own and have come to cherish is "Come Be My Light". It is full of her writings to her confessor about the desolation she was feeling. I haven't been able to pick that book up in a few weeks (mainly because I have another hundred books to read for formation...again...not a reader).


Recently, I started to feel a sense of dryness...almost desert-like. Feelings like that were enough to conquer on their own. But then I began having these amorous waves of doubt. Totally robbed of joy, totally in fear, and totally questioning if I was in God's will or if I'd made a grave mistake. My prayers felt empty. Singing was in vain. My laughter was forced and all I could hear was that all of this was a joke.. everything I'm doing was stupid. I felt ugly...horribly ugly. I was allowing myself to be defeated and I tried to take control of my life but was only handing it over little by little to the enemy. I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and lay in the chapel forever. But that couldn't happen. There was work to do.


About a week into feeling like a zombie, we left for our mission trip to Mexico. I kept thinking, how in the world can I give to these poor people if I myself have nothing to give. Sure I could hand over 500 pesos and make someones day, but that would that really be enough. No. I began to remember something that Mother Teresa said ( well.. this is along the lines of what she said anyway). She said something to the effect of God calling her to serve the poorest of the poor, to love the unlovely and give dignity to the dying person. What had begun to stick out for me was "to love the unlovely". The first day of "work" while in Gral. Cepeda, I met a man who was on an oxygen tank, barely breathing, two women, one of which was blind and missing a mouth full of teeth, the other legless, and a man on his death bed. To the world, these four people may be people that most would turn their faces from...the "unlovely". But as I sat in their presence...I saw the most beautiful face of Christ in them. In their physical and financial brokenness...they were the richest people in the world. So full of hope, full of joy...full of not only believing in the Lord...but full of knowledge in knowing the Lord is glorious. Knowing His love. Wow... being in their presence.. I realized that they were ministering to me. I was unlovely. Ugly was in my heart. And they loved me. They showed me God's love. How precious are the people God allowed me to meet and serve during this mission trip!


After a days of being with and learning from the people of Mexico.. I had a real desert experience. The feelings I had felt before were brought to the forefront to be dealt with. We went hiking down a trail full of huge slanted rocks, water, mud, thorns and sand...etc. Before the blink of an eye... I slipped and fell into the water (which was NOT a good thing.. no details). I was pretty humbled... then began to cry. Just a little. I started to feel like, great, not only do I feel like I'm in the darkness...but that I was also alone..and hurting. Once we got to our oasis...literally..there was a mini waterfall and lake.. we got the chance to be alone to pray for a few hours. I was praying and Job 23 kept coming to mind. So finally.. I read and WoW...this is what God was speaking to me...

" If I go forward, he is not there;
or backward, I cannot perceive him;
on the left he hides;
and I cannot behold him;
I turn to the right, but i cannot see him.
But he knows the way I take;
when he tests me, I shall come out like gold.
My foot has held fast to his steps;
I have kept his way and have not turned aside.
I have not departed from the commandment of his lips;
I have treasured in my bosom the words of his mouth.
but he stands alone and who can dissuade him?
what he desires,that he does.
For he will complete what he appoints for me;
and many such things are in his mind."

I just balled my eyes out. I was rushed with peace. I knew at that very moment (as many times before) that God was with me. No matter how I felt. It's not about feelings. But God reminded me that he has much in store.. not only for me.. but for everyone. But before He can give us these many blessings, we've gotta go thru the fire and be tested. Mexico was a test for me. I didn't want to go initially. But so what! God had a plan there. I met the most beautiful people ever. It was life changing for me. It was a test. To see if I'd be obedient to God's call in my life. And thank the Lord.. He gave me the grace to say "yes".

I will write more about the signs and wonders God did in Mexico. It's just that this other stuff has been on my heart. Thank you for reading this and allowing me to share my heart with you. God bless you!


p.s. this picture represents the people of General Cepeda.
Simple yet remarkably beautiful.









*p.p.s. just wanted to say... the last blog with pictures is hilarious! shows you how lame I am when it comes to attempting adding pictures and words all in one space. lol*